Now that I have mentioned him previously, I feel it is only proper to write his entry. I am of course talking of Estarfin. That angry, sorry soul who even now sits there, brooding.
There are many (Parnard chief among them) who dislike Estarfin. More likely they fear him, for he is a grim fellow. A great looming presence, all dressed in black with his great war-spear in his hand. Perhaps even I might be wary of him if I did not count him as my brother.
Before I came to Bar-en-Vanimar I was a lost soul. I have walked every path that this world had to offer, save only the most evil. I have drank ale with the Dwarves of the frozen North, fought the wars of men in the far East and I have seen the splendour of my people, if only for a fleeting moment, in the drowned West. Yet I had no place to call my home, no friends. Ah there are plenty in these lands who would laugh with me and give me shelter, but true friends?
I look at Estarfin now and since I pledged my loyalty and swore my oath to the Lord Anglachelm, I know that he is more than a friend to me, he is my brother. Not of blood, though together we have shed our own and that of our enemies, but my love for him is great, second perhaps only to one other. We owe each other our lives countless times, for he can be headstrong in battle and often there will be an opportune moment for me to intervene before the rogue stroke of a sword ends him for good. Yet I can be equally as careless and have seen my death averted many times by his savage cuts. Long may it continue!
I use the word 'brother', and maybe there was a time when he would have called me the same, but I fear it may have passed, and if that is so, then my heart is saddened indeed. For ever since the incident involving Danel, he has not treated me the same. I was angry at first of course, but then I understood the hard lesson that he had taught her and I swallowed my harsh words bitterly, for he did not deserve them. I truly hope that I have not caused such a gulf between us that is irreconcilable, for I need him now more than ever for the weight of responsibility on my shoulders is great, and if any should bear a greater burden, it is he.
Parnard can be hard, for I have tried to explain to him on more than one occasion that of all those that walk this earth that I have so far met, Estarfin carries the heaviest weight, yet he will not heed my words. He sees him only as brash and violent, the embodiment of those qualities deep within us Noldor that we wish to suppress, or expel altogether.
But it is Parnard who is the fool.
He has no concept of Estarfin's past, of his terrible years long ago, or the faces that haunt his waking eyes to this day.
Few do.
I understand him. I do not think completely, but I sympathise wholly. Perhaps this is why we have become such friends as we are. I worry about him also, for his troubles oft times drive him into dark moods and he finds his only solace in wine. Even now on this journey, I feel that he is not himself, yet this is not one of his usual gloomy episodes. No, this is something deeper, more intense. I have watched him become detached from us and he now rarely speaks. He finds nothing good in the world about him, only reasons to hate that which he looks upon.
I failed my friends once, long ago. Estarfin is not the only one to bear the shame of his deeds upon his back, and if, by the Valar, there is a way to save him from himself, I would see it done.
Yet for now, I would have him call me me 'brother' once again.
