*The text is written poorly with many spelling errors*
Dear journal
I'm finally feeling like myself again. It has taken a long time but I'm finally over this sickness and I think it has given me a whole new look on life but maybe that's something that happens to everyone after looking death in the eye.
Lowan has sat at my side this whole time and he's sacrificed much so that I could be cured. We are in debt and his smithy is not his own completely anymore. We have fought and every time I look at him I feel so guilty. I am starting to think he's having second thoughts about this marriage our parents arranged. I feel like my sickness drove a wedge between us, it feels like he's angry at me even when he's being kind. We were still just getting to know each other when I fell ill. Now I worry that we will end up like his parents. I don't want that. I want there to be at least some love between us if we are supposed to spend our life together.
I don't know what to do. Over the past weeks I've tried to take on more work, take care of the smithy and home, tried to take care of him and I even tried to bake my forge pies again but without his help I can't. It could help us get some coin to help pay the debts we've collected but baking these forge pies was supposed to be fun, join his skills with the forge with my love for cooking but now I can't see him smiling when we try.
Our parents have started pressuring for the wedding again now that I am better, the dowry has been prepared and it might help us but how can we go through with it if we can't smile at each other on that day?
We were starting to get along so well before this all and I miss it. Will this debt I caused make us end up like his parents? Will we just go about our day never speaking a word to each other? Eat in different rooms? Sleep in different beds?
I didn't get the courtship I had dreamed of, the one you hear the women talk about when a man has found interest in them and try to charm them but he still tried and now I am not sure he has any will for courtship.
Did my sickness and this debt it caused make it so that I have to live as a lonely wife? Will he find comfort somewhere else after we are married? It hurts to think about but I can't stop doing it. Was my life spared so I could feel the guilt for the stress I have caused and strain on our purse?
Mother has told me to be careful and treat him well or I'll end up like the Harrow woman and have my husband leave shortly after our marriage and taking the dowry with him, when he becomes my husband or at this point if.
I will have to get more creative with my cooking since we can't afford too much. I wanted to make him some bread pudding tonight but sugar is far too costly. Maybe some simple batter pudding will do. Will have to go to the market later though the currants might be expensive this time of year. Maybe I can find something else to add.
Flour
Eggs
Salt
Ginger
Milk
