Found:
The horizon called, the wind steered my path. Never stop, never look back. Each day, a new horizon, a new discovery, a new direction to take... but times change, and so do we.
Did I say that? Did that actually spew forth from my lips?
The only change I wish to undergo at this time is restoration of what I was. Who I was.
Dammit, Rajana! Why won't you just sleep?!
Must you spoil all that is fun? Even an innocent conversation with a man just met falls victim to your musings. Give me back my nihilism! I enjoyed that!
But forwards, never backwards. Isn't that what I've always said? Dammit!
It was a pleasant evening otherwise. Hartaine made for good company. He spoke of his work. He spoke of his desire for a family and of the farmstead he holds to the West. He paid the occasional compliment; not so many that they would sound false or desperate for attention. Just enough to make him sound sincere. He even invited me to a dance tomorrow. I won't go, of course. He was humourous. He was serious. He was interesting and non-judgemental. He held open doors and poured us both a drink. Even if it had been something more palatable than ale, I'd not have had more than a sip for politeness' sake.
I tried to steer his attentions back toward the pretty girl in blue that I had first seen him with. He has promised her a dance at this ball and so he should deliver. Perhaps the merriment, ambience and closeness might serve him well.
Meanwhile, I ask myself why I am doing this. Why pass up the opportunity for a night of fun? Why turn away from something that may help me overcome the recent difficulties? Why, for goodness sake, do I continue to display loyalty to a man who never wanted it from me? A man I have cut ties with for his own sake? A man who has been naught but judgemental and cruel since my return?
Because it is not so easy, that part of me that I am trying to be rid of whispers in the dark. You let me out. You let me breathe. I won't be locked away again!
We parted ways, Hartaine and I, with naught more than a hug and a kiss upon the cheek. My choice, though I am uncertain as to what he wished for when he requested a kiss.
Perhaps some time with Neyaa will help. I'll find her in the coming days. I've some business with the scholars to attend to first.
