Found:
We left before dawn, Steel and I. He was eager to run, to be out in the wide open, the road beneath his hooves and the wind in his mane. So was I! Oh, to have the horizon before and behind yet again! Oh, to see the land flying so swiftly by! Oh, to feel the raw power of my most faithful companion, the bunch and stretch of his muscles as he just revels in the unrestricted motion!
We got there sooner than I had expected. The climb, though steep, was not too arduous and once we reached the summit...
Breathtaking!
It was like seeing into eternity, that endless stretch of land rising and falling in rolling hills upon every side. Golds fading to browns and erupting again in such vivid green! And the sky...
I regret that I have not come up here before now. I regret that I have only ever camped near the pool in the lee of the hill. I regret not enjoying this sight so much sooner!
I regret coming here at all...
Perhaps it was curiosity. Perhaps it was needing to feel some kind of rush again, a hint of danger, the rising of the blood or thud of the heart when something just isn't quite safe. I don't know. I only know that I was drawn to the edge. I stood there, on the very brink, eyes closed, face tilted to the sun, my arms stretched wide, and I basked in the glory of it all. The wind rushed up the sheer cliff, lifting my coat, my hair, my spirits.
He would have loved this.
One thought. One single, solitary thought brought it all crashing down around me.
I stepped back. I sat beneath a rock. I waited for the sunset.
Push it away. Put it away. It is done. It is gone.
I refused to let memories of him spoil my getaway. I refused to let him invade my peace. He has his, after all. I gave it to him just as he asked. He's out there somewhere, prancing around, pretending to be saviour to the world as all his kind do, fooling someone else into thinking he's a good man.
Push it away. Don't think of him.
It's been hard enough reconciling who I was, who I pretended to be and who I want to become. It's been hard enough trying to figure out who I am without such things plaguing my mind. Perhaps it would be easier if he hadn't done as he did. Perhaps it would be easier if he'd gone even further. I can't be sure. All I am certain of is that whenever I think of him, I feel his hand at my throat again.
Push it away.
But keeping to my promise makes it nigh on impossible to rid myself of that. I write the letters. I don't expect them to ever be read, but I write them because I said I would. Another instance of my keeping my word regardless of the cost.
Push it away. He can't hurt you anymore.
I ate the bread Owena had baked. It was truly wonderful! Lightly toasted and dripping in honey. I shall have to buy from her again! I ate the bread and I watched the sun set. Then I slept for a while. Then I watched the sun rise anew. I don't think I appreciated it as much as I should have. Maybe next time I'll bring company.
On the way back to Towerglan, I stopped before the Forsaken Inn. We lingered there a short time. A part of me wanted to go in, to have a drink perhaps, to share a song and company. After all, are places such as this not the ones I prefer most? The people within, unsavoury and rough, are often more true than any of the more "refined" pretenders one might happen across in a more up-market establishment. A part of me wanted to enjoy that atmosphere, that piece of my past so sorely lacking of late and yet...
I couldn't bring myself to do it. Memories, now so bittersweet, haunt that place.
We rode on. Back to the cage and the stick-on smiles.
I'm falling into old habits again. That's not good. So much so that I almost rode straight past Towerglan. Almost. I wanted to. It was so very tempting to just go, to leave everything behind, to be free.
But a friend who may have need of me soon is somewhere within that hamlet. A man with a deal to keep - a man I should steer clear of for his own sake, mind! - is in the area as well.
It was a struggle.... but I went back there anyway.
