Letter to Galadriel - parody only for a fun read

My noble Lady,

I would ask your ladyship for a leave of absence from my current duties as I believe in the current circumstances my absence would influence close to nothing those endeavors of your subjects I was appointed to help on. I informed Bahanneth the Orcs finaly ran out of smiths after I needed to storm their whole encampment north of Lothlorien to find the at least four he asked me to trim their number with. Reinforcements they receive but no smith. I would advise your ladyship if I may to qualify several elves as burglars for the time or perhaps hire some from the other races – I would avoid the naugrim still taking into consideration the fate of the king Thingol, you never know. Such worthy recruits would leave them without the weapons, gear and anything else shining in their possesion in no time solving for sure our war with them in a most convenient fashion.


Orthir has decided to try fertilizer after his saplings do as bad as can be after all this years of singing to them in vain so I got a letter from him for Dindirith in Echad Andestel to send him the gathering Orc filth heroes instead of asking them to burn the precious material. He is also disappointed it is the prohibition season on shrew hunting so for a while the beasts will survive even if they eat the precious seeds of his trees.


 Poor Menassiel admitted she ate too many of those berries collected in the name of dye demand -after a serious intoxication- so for a while she will not even get close to berries as their very sight would challenge her will not to taste them. Maliriel decided to allow the poor guests of her parties to enjoy themselves for a while, making a scene for a cup of wine too much got her to have fewer and fewer guests so in the end she decided to be less stiff and join the fun.  


The dwarfs of Moria transmitted that they will try a open doors event tired of all the badmouthing and suspicion they receive in all good parties with even better drink in Middle Earth so they would be glad if messengers such as me would spread the word they intend to organize some group tours of their ancestral home, where the visitors can hear stories of old as well as see live some of the all times enemies of their kin. However the visitors are advised this enemies are in their natural habitat and by that reasonably dangerous and they prefer elf ears and hobbit fat in their traditional breakfast recipes and each join the guided tour on his own risk.


That said as arguments in favor of a vacation for your faithful servant if your ladyship permits I would go spend some quality time in Rivendell, I hear of late master Elrond organizes some spectacular parties where one can hear the latest gossips from all corners of Middle earth – some of those young and apparently insignificant elves would be of great worth in your intelligence service My Lady, I was amazed to hear from some 100 year old girl first hand information about you know what very secret mission of the supposedly even more secret fellowship last time I happened there..


I will be glad to see my brother after all this years I don’t really understand now what kept us apart and even have a second word with that short memory bold commander that supposedly revenged my other brother – he gave me his word he would at least write me the details months ago and still no word. Hm, after some other gossips I heard him and his gang would be worthy guests of Maliriel so I am not so sure he remembers..


I thank your ladyship in advance for the approved vacation and remain your faithfull servant,


Lothiavien