Master Tumunir finally came home. Aye, I say "home". I can't imagine not having him here with me. He's been here for so long now, everything would feel off if he left. Even knowing all that he's done wrong, I don't want him to leave. He's the closest I have to family now, and I think he feels the same way about me. He felt cold and hard when he first came through the door, but I think that were just him bracing himself in case I were going to be angry with him. I'm not angry anymore. Though I can't even think about it without my heart feeling like it's going to shatter. The funny thing is, I want to mourn just as much for his sake as for Miss hers, and for mine.
I came close to letting Mister Tarvarthal see me cry. I were out walking and thinking about everything. Winter is a bad time to think about sad things. It's so grey and gloomy, and it's easy to feel sorry for yourself and get stuck on sad thoughts. Sometimes I think about how many people I've lost. Pa and Ma. Emory. Of course, he's not dead, but he's mostly lost to me all the same. Hultroth. Wherever did he go? Did he forget about me entirely? I never see Miss Gustine anymore. I know she probably just got busy with Mister Theo and being happy and living her own life, but I can't help missing her. She were one of my first friends when I started visiting about Bree on my own, after all. Even Mister Dimheim. He lives right across the street, but it's like he's living in another country. I haven't seen him or spoke to him since before Yule. I miss us being able to visit each other, and the little gifts we used to leave at each other's doorsteps, and having someone that...I dunno, he used to make me feel safe. Then things changed. I don't know how or why or when. He just stopped feeling like the same person. I wish there were a way to let him know that I'm still here. I mean, of course he knows I'm here. But...oh, forget it, I don't know what I mean.
Anyway, I were out walking and thinking about all of this, and then I were thinking about Master Tumunir. And I started feeling so scared that he were never coming back again, and that I'd lost him, too. And I just couldn't bear it. I had myself a good cry away from where anyone could see.
Mister Tarvarthal has an uncanny way of knowing how I feel about things. Sometimes I'm afraid to look him in the eye because he seems to know when I'm sad or upset or worried without me saying anything at all. And he's always so thoughtful and kind. I hear myself opening up to him and I want to scold myself. I even shared my List with him. I don't want to get close to another person, just to have them leave when I'm not expecting it. He said that sometimes folk go away because that's just what happens, but they carry their memories of you with them. And that's true, I'm sure. But I wanted to tell him that memories can't hug you or smile at you or hold your hand when you feel frightened or lonely. I didn't say these things, though. I knew he meant well, and I appreciated that.
I need to decide what I'm going to tell Miss Wood Sculptor. I were all set and ready to have a gift made, and then everything fell apart. And I haven't had a moment to even think about it since. Should I still go through with it?
I'm so tired, I can't think straight. Maybe now that Master Tumunir is back (and he said Master Maurr be coming back to Bree, too!), I'll be able to sleep again.
