Found:
The grass has begun to grow over the scorched ground left in the wake of the pyre. It's hardly visible now, unless you know where to look. For the first few hours, I sat in silence. There was no need to sing yet, no words to form. Steel had settled down to rest nearby, quietly dozing in his way. I needed to remember... to remember it all. To feel it all in order to isolate the ones that were holding me back.
It was messy. It had always been so messy with us. The good was so very tightly entwined with the bad, like a unravelled ball of string that had been left in the bottom of a saddlepack for years, knotted now and almost impossible to untangle.
I needed to find the right strands to pull, to tease away from the others. I needed to free them, so that I could free me.
It wasn't about forgetting. Quite the opposite. It was about recalling it all. All those little things about him, about us, that made me smile, that made me joyful, that made me scared or angry or loving or hateful. It was about keeping and letting go.
I recalled when we first met. I had been someone very different then. I'd seen him as naught but a momentary amusement, a toy to be discarded when my fun was over. He stayed anyway, trying to help me through my physical difficulties. He was gentle and kind and patient despite how my exuberance often made him uncomfortable.
I recalled how he had asked about my past, how I had told him only a little, and he then dismissed it as something that could never happen. That was the first step along a very bumpy road of distrust on both sides. I found it increasingly difficult to be honest with him after that.
I recalled my return from Rohan. I'd ridden so far and so fast to find him, to get away from what I'd done only to find that something had changed in him. I couldn't see the reasons, I couldn't see past my own anguish. I couldn't help him, nor he me; both of us too mired within our own private traumas. That was when the fighting started.
I recalled the feeling of his hands around my throat, the argument we had that day. The monster I saw in him. The way I goaded him to just take my kukri from its sheath and finish the job; I knew he wouldn't. I knew he didn't have it in him. But not long before, I'd never have believed he'd lay hands on me in such a way either. Perhaps I wanted him to, or some small part of me did at least. Perhaps, in that moment, I wanted to be free of it all and perhaps having him do it would have been satisfying in a way; letting him hurt like he had hurt me before my departure.
I recall finding him sick and wasted in Trestlebridge. Bringing him back to my house and trying to help him get healthy again. He wasn't particularly co-operative. He sat in his room all day, door closed, barely eating, rarely speaking. I hated seeing him that way. I did all that I could to encourage him, but I'm far from being one of natures' natural healers. It must have done some good though, because I also remember the little cake that he bought for me a few days before he left again.
I recall the way that days and weeks and months would pass with no word or sighting of him. I didn't mind. I knew he was out there somewhere, and that was enough.
I recall stumbling across him in the ruins near Thorin's Hall. Suddenly, everything was easier again. We were both in better places, both happier people. The journey back to Bree was full of banter and laughter; something he had never been one to indulge in. Such a dour man, until then.
I recall him telling me of the huntress, the feelings he harboured for us both, and how he struggled with which path to take. How distressed he became - by his stoic standards - when I offered to walk away, rendering his choice an easy one. How happy I was when, in the end, he chose me.
I recall the difficulties we had trying to make it all work. Neither one of us had ever been in a truly traditional relationship. It was a huge adjustment and not one made easily. There were disagreements, tiffs, misunderstandings and worse. I tried so hard to be who he needed me to be. He never asked that of me, but I tried all the same, never quite realising how that was killing me inside.
I recall the last time I saw him. The fear I buried for what he had told me. The promises I made to stay behind and remain safe when all I wanted to do was go along and help him. I had knowledge and experience he could use but... my being there would have been a detriment, and I knew that.
I recall the waiting. The endless waiting. How others told me that I should forget about him and move on. How I refused. How I yearned for word of him and how it almost broke me when I finally received it.
I recall the search for him and all that I found that day. That bloodied, faceless corse. The way the lipless teeth leered in the ragged, tattered skull. The accusation in those empty eye sockets. My failure. My loss. The betrayal I felt for his death.
Only then, when it was all brought to the fore, when I could separate one thing from another; one sense, one feeling, one emotion from the next... only then would the songs come.
I sang until dawn and past. I sang until my voice was hoarse, my eyes unable to shed further tears, my heart and mind still and exhausted. I slept a while, and then I sang again. I sang until I had no more words, no more songs, no more melodies within. I sang until I was rid of the anger, the sense of treachery, the misguided belief that he had broken his word and ultimately chosen them. I sang until my heart was empty, and then I sang until it was full again. Filled with naught but the memories, the brief periods of contentment and bliss. I sang until the pain drained away.
I don't know how many days have passed. I didn't keep count. But I feel much better now. He's still there. His image in my mind and heart. He's still there inside me, kept safe. A precious picture of the past that I shall never be without. He's still there. Rid now of all the bile, I can keep that piece of him within this piece of me and still allow room for others. He's still there. He always will be.
But the past is gone and now tomorrow calls my name.
