I finally made it back to Bree today.
It has been a difficult few months, so very difficult. Aakusti and I made it through Bail Rova and Ram Duath, but not without incident. We were detained in that place for quite some time, under close scrutiny from the Trev Duvardain. It took much work, but eventually we were able to escape. As promised, he left me to make my own way back as soon as we had reached the Northdowns.
I came back, as I meant to, as they promised me that I would. I came back, but I must wonder why. Perhaps I would have been better had I continued on my travels to... anywhere else.
It was silent at first, so very silent, where I stood atop the High Stair. It has been long since I enjoyed any true silence and I found solace in it. It was not to last, though. I had not been there long before two men began arguing nearby. A fight ensued and one killed the other. He was decapitated before my eyes and I felt... nothing. I simply watched dispassionately. Even when the victor threatened me in an attempt to ensure silence, I cared not a whit. Who am I now that I could witness such a sight and be unmoved?
I went for a walk later, passing through the Pony to find an injured Guvadan. Again, I felt nothing for his state. Instead, I was angry at him. Is he not partially to blame for what became of me? Had he not taunted and belittled Aakusti so, would he have done as he did? Would I have endured such humiliation, such pain and all the horrors of Bail Rova had he not acted like such a childish twit? I shouted at him, accused him of many things and even went so far as to tell him that had I not made an oath of pacifism, I would have killed him myself. Such threats are beneath me, or they were.
By the end of the verbal altercation my head was pounding. They were so loud, so insistant, whispering, screaming, shouting for me to hurt him as he had caused me to hurt. I could not drown them out, even when a man approached me to offer his "services" in the removal of Guvadan. I refused, of course, and their cries grew ever more shrill and angry.
When I saw Cyfier only moments later, it was not as I would have liked. For so long had I dreamed of this time. For so long had I convinced myself that all would be well when finally I saw him once more and knew him to be safe. For so long had I looked forward to the moment that I could look into his eyes and see the man I once knew, but it was not to be. He was talking to someone and I... I could not bear to wait for him. I could not bear to let him see me this way. My head hurt abominably. I could barely think, I could barely hear... so, I fled.
Why did I return here? Why did I come back to see these things and face these people? I should have kept walking. I should have... I should have. But I did not and now...
So much. Too much. The noise. The pain. I must rest.
